I miss that emptiness. It’s awful when that’s all you have to feel. But it’s even more awful when that’s what you feel when you’re laying next to someone. Someone with whom you should be able to talk the emptiness away. But anytime you try your lips lock and your tongue needs more quenching than the Sahara.
So instead of confessing my feelings I lie here. In all senses of the term. I blog while he lies next to me sleeping peacefully. Thinking I’m okay. And that in turn makes me feel worse.
I think I shall rename the curse to the “Charm of Chuck.” In essence of the character from Good Luck Chuck. It’s based on a true story you know. Sleep with me and you’ll get what your heart desires. I just have to stop forgetting. Rule #1 or whatever I should call it. I’m never going to be on that other side. No matter the circumstances it will always come down to me. Perhaps it’s a very good thing I have a copy of Love 101: to Love Oneself is the Beginning of a Life Long Romance.
This doomed relationship sucks in particular for so many reasons. I fought it off hard at the beginning. Perhaps it went awry when I allowed him at my house. THAT will definitely not be a mistake I make twice. Perhaps it did not help that I let him fall for me. I know that didn’t help. It makes it too easy to make that a two way street. And so I got stuck with this battle in my head. Left brain vs right brain. Long term and feasibility vs pleasure right now and happiness. I almost gave it up but I let him convince me happiness was the way to go. I should have given up.
Now it hurts again. Worse? Not sure, but it hurts. At first this whole thing started with the knowledge and mutual agreement that he could never give me what I want. Fine. Okay. Great. But now I think it’s more of me not being capable of giving him what he wants. I told him I couldn’t give him the package deal and I didn’t elaborate on it. Then I had the brain wars and tonight talking, it was settled. But then he commented. Commented on the fact that we can sleep with whomever (totally in agreement from the get-go) and that up until this point he hadn’t wanted to, but now there’s someone that’s piquing his intrigues but he’s not sure.
I’m sure that if that happens I won’t be able to continue this with him. And I’m not sure if that means at all or in part and if so then what parts. I know I should be able to tell him this but I feel like that conversation would be ultimatum-ish and that’s not my goal. But is to telling him fair? I just need him to know that I am not strong enough to handle this. This is why I have rules. This feeling, this well of tears in my eyes. This all while he sleeps beside me, is why I have rules. I have no idea why it was so easy to break all the rules with him. I have no idea why I told him with great ease all of the things I have told him. I don’t regret it. But now. Now it just sucks.